How To Protect Yourself and Be A Degenerate Simultaneously...
This is what happens when you're office has terrible Wi-Fi connection, and your boss likes to drink scotch...10 PM post...
Gambling on Football 201: Hedging Your Bets
Vocabulary Words For the Day:
Teaser: A bet in which you adjust the spread (odds) to you're liking.
Parlay: A bet that requires you to make 2+ wagers at once to enhance your payout and in turn enhances your risk of losing money
Fuck The Bookie: A term used in a last second field goal, a wide receiver you've never heard of taking a five yard screen to the house, A BLOWN BET.
I've owed the readers this. I've been betting or booking football since the age of fifteen (I'm 25 and kickin'). That's absolutely real talk. Betting on football is an American past time. Football's popularity is part America's love of gladiatorial battles/I'll wager a Cleveland Browns game against the St. Louis Rams just so I can watch football and potentially make money. The NFL has printed it's own money for years - it's become a multi-billion dollar business. Why? Because people are fanatically loyal to their teams and because gentlemen like us want to wager.
I will digress through the mentality of a wager process.
1) A degenerate decides a team is getting too favorable of a spread (or getting too unfavorably respected) and bets on a team. If any of those teams included; St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Buccaneers..You're F'd
2) If your bet includes the New Orleans Saints, Indianapollis Colts, Minnesota Vikings, Pittsburgh Steelers...
A) You're probably doing the right thing. Teams like this extort the bottom of the NFL or
B) Your head is so swollen and you're losing money.
Well gentlewomen, here's the way to hedge your bets like CitiGroup middle management...
A) If you want to bet straight against the spread, be sure that your balls are intact. Believe in your mind, sans second guesses, that team A can beat team B by said spread. Know that you're bet is going to win. Know that team A is going to cover. Don't second guess until your $100 bet is in limbo. At that point Scotch/Vodka/Gin is liquor of choice.
B) Before you get drunk at 10Am and start tailgating outside the Meadowlands...make sure you analyze a spread, perhaps check the weather (acheeeh, i never do that), and decide accordingly.
C) Fuck your fantasy team! If you're betting on football you've jinxed your fantasy team.
D) BET TEASERS!!!!
I'm going to piss off my fellow co-writers. Teasers are the only way to bet. Why? Well it's self-explanitory...
A) With two teams, you can adjust you're spread 6, 6.5, 7, & 10 points to your liking. I.E. The Gods @ The Mere Mortals +7.5..you can adjust that spread practically as you like it. This is why you bet on good teams to beat bad teams. You can essentially gamble on teams that should win, that you're adjusting to lose. TEASE AGAINST THESE awful teams (Browns, Rams, Raiders, Pussies, Browns, etc..)
For Instance: You could've made the Atlanta Falcons at home against a franchise in disarray Washington Redskins, 1.5 point favorite...BET! BET! BET! Then follow your teaser with a Miami Dolphins +17.5, and yes sir...we're making money
Never bet if you don't have money to bet. Always bet when you want to make a game interesting. And if you're a fan of a team, never bet for or against them, unless you're completely disillusioned. (LIKE A DISGRUNTLED GIANTS FAN)
My Record in the Hood this Week Teaser Style:
ALL TEASED BETS!
MIAMI +17.5/ARIZONA +9...Cash money. Miami kept it close via. Wildcat, Arizona lit Chicago up.
JACKSONVILLE EVEN/ATLANTA -1.5....Jacksonville is NOT A BET ON TEAM/Atlanta is playing Washington...LET'S GO!!!
Monday Night Football (Because betting in moderation is good for the kids): PITT+4/Under 48.5 Points
Kids, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Straight wagers..all heart not enough brains....Parlays, all balls, not enough anything....Teasers, all soft, smart money, let's get the win.
Lock of the Week:
New York Giants @ BYE Week -4.5
Bet the farm on the Bye Week.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday Morning StruggleBack...
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2 comments:
Fucking On Point, however, like a good gambler, i will disregard all of it and try to lose money. Bet the farm on the bye
Well done. It's true about the teasers, too. You really just have to have one guaranteed lock teaser...and then two or three nearly lock teasers. My problem is that I don't spread my teasers out enough. I do 1:00 teasers and 4:00 teasers. I never mix the two...and that's retarded.
Maybe next week you could post some real "locks of the week"...maybe even predict the 14 games and which way the spread will fall. We then would/could follow your advice. We needs this. Please. Rent is past due.
PS I'm working on that money I've owed you for over a year.
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