Classy Things

Going out to a club with your mother is a strange experience. It’s even more odd when you’re both there watching your wife belly dance for a gaggle of ogling Arab men. Part of you feels lucky to have a spouse talented and hot enough to command the attention of an entire room of people and the other part of you is trying to figure out how your mom managed to get so drunk off two apple Martinis. Throw in the fact that your mom brought along your recently Born Again aunt, who periodically tries to convince you that the rapture is coming, and you might get a sense of my Friday night.


Still, this wasn’t the pinnacle of my night. No, the high point came a few hours earlier when I happened upon the above YouTube video. Vodkatron and I were about to go to Pizza Hut for dinner (I know, I know) when we came to an impasse over the design of the new “Stuffed Crust Pan Pizza” – was the ring of cheese enveloped in the crust or just embedded? A deeply poignant, philosophical and vital question to our being, we decided to consult the Jim Breuer fronted commercial for this new culinary concoction. Before finding the actual commercial, we found this video of a behind the scenes tiff between Breuer and a guy who appears to be some sort of pizza conservationist. Apparently, Breuer hadn’t eaten before the shoot and in his hungered state continually tried to eat the prop slice during filming. This didn’t go over well with the pizza conservationist. Now, make sure to watch the whole video, as classiness radiates from all directions and then, well I don’t want to ruin it for you but… Kabooooom!!!



Looks like David Letterman isn’t the only one calling plays out of the Bill Clinton playbook. Unless you’re illiterate, on a coke binge, or completely ambivalent to New York tabloids you probably noticed that former New York Mets general manager and current ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips is in some seriously hot water over an alleged affair with a 22-year-old intern. And yes, that’s her picture above. Personally, I’ve never been one for affairs, but if you’re going to put your familial livelihood in jeopardy at least do it for somebody who’s attractive or at least mildly hotter than a unibrowed troll with a Star Wars fetish. “Misogynist,” you might say, and perhaps it is so, but I prefer to think of it as logical – men don’t have affairs for emotional attachment, they do it because they’re dick tells them to and usually they’re dick only cares if the female in question is a blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like French Vanilla ice cream. On top of that, if you do have an affair make sure it’s with a women who won’t continually harass your wife by sending letters detailing your sexual escapades or calling your home phone and menacingly telling her, “We can’t both have him.” And if that is the kind of affair you’re looking for, go find Glenn Close. Correlatively speaking, this is the baseball equivalent of trading for Mo Vaughn.


Props to deadspin.com for putting me onto the above video of the aptly named “Filipino Ron Artest.” And no, he didn’t get that name because he’s a rapper with a single called “Pussy Ass N*****.” Wynne "Tiny" Arboleda showed off his inner Ron Ron when he slew a couple of haymakers at a fan who taunted him from a courtside seat. Arboleda, a member of the Burger King Whoppers (that’s actually the team name), had just been called for his second flagrant foul of the game and apparently didn’t like the "profane" language hurled at him by the ill-fated heckler. While none of the punches landed flush with the fan’s cranium, Arboleda’s message was clear. So was the Philippine Basketball Association’s as they suspended “Tiny” for the entire 2009-10 season. The league commissioner issued a stern warning to Arboleda, saying that if this happened again the player would be banned for life and his team would be renamed the Junior Whoppers ( I made that last part up).