Don't let the cuddly picture of Chris Brown and the mixed dog fool you. Dave Itzkoff noted this morning on the Times' Arts Beat Blog that "The R&B singer was arrested Sunday and charged with making criminal threats."The victim of these "threats" you ask? None other than Rihanna herself. His beloved boo allegedly "suffered visible injuries" from an assault that took place around 12:30 A.M. on Sunday.
THE FACTS
Chris and his shorty got into an argument in a rented Lamborghini on North June Street in Hancock Park. Chrissy "Snuggle Bear" Brown (a nickname he allegedly earned from his sexy sidekick, Rihanna) stopped the car, the two got out, and the argument escalated. Somebody called 911 because apparently, "Sugar Feet" Brown (a nickname allegedly given to him by one of his backup dancers regarding the sweetness of his dance moves and his footjob expertise) was WILDIN!
He turned himself in and was booked for the the alleged criminal threats. A $50,000 bail was posted and he bounced.
Let's Talk about This
According to Sgt. Bridget Picket of the LAPD, "He was very professional and didn't appear to have injuries. He's a good looking young man."
Ok, he's a good looking young man. My sources have told me that upon leaving the police station, Brown nonchalantly moonwalked his way over to Sgt. Bridget Picket, picked up his shirt to reveal this (see below):
Sgt. Picket apparently wet herself a bit while Brown whispered in her ear "Thanks for the hospitality, Sarg. Here's my number. Give me a call if you want to be in my next video." My sources are usually accurate about these sorts of things. I got a couple of thugs on the inside.
I also have a pretty good idea about why the fight broke out in the first place. Rihanna was obviously heated that "Chrissy Bear" rented the the Lambo. I would be too. It just looks cheap. Let's call a spade a spade here; Brown and Rihanna are 19 and 20 respectively. They are wealthy grown ups. Buy the Lambo and stop acting like my shyster, Jew of an uncle. (That's my uncle Avraham. He stole $300 from my Aunt Ethel to buy a Swedish Penis Pump and then banged his Korean drycleaner.)
Enough about me and my Uncle Abe. This reminds me of Eric Benet beating the shit out of Halle Berry. These women are treasures of the world. Domestic violence during sex is one thing. Maybe even over a nice glass of Pinot Noir but you can't go around assaulting gorgeous, female pop icons. Unless of course, you are Signor PizzaBagel. I can get away with it because I'm Italian. This sort of thing is totally accepted in our culture and quite frankly, the law enforcement community understands this. I slapped Rachel Starr across the face last May right in the middle of Park Avenue and guess what: the NYPD totally understood where I was coming from. Granted, Rachel Starr is a pornstar but that's neither here nor there.
Do me a solid, Chrissy. Ok? Understand this: you are an African-American, bubble gum pop star. White, soccer moms are gonna tell little Susie that you "put on quite a show" and choke-slammed Rihanna. It just doesn't bode well for your image to hit bitches. Keep it clean, wrap it up (twice), and if you decide to rent a Lambo, don't get out of the car to hit your girl. Get illegal tint and stay inside.
8 comments:
A few comments...
This entry is amazing. Why did you slap Rachel Starr? Were u piping and she just requested?
Also, I think it's good that he did this. Rihanna needs to understand that regardless of how famous or how much dough she makes, she is still a woman and needs to recognize that fact.
I laughed out loud from start to finish. Well done, Signor.
Beautiful, insightful, and hilarious (especially the part about your uncle's penis pump). I'm shocked though -- Rihanna's got a height and reach advantage on little Chrissy, she should've kept him at bay with the rope-a-dope.
Thanks everybody. Your support means the world.
"Some call it journalism. I call it pure fraud." - Rupert Murdock
Just kidding....I made up the quote but it sounds like something he might actually say.
well done. SUPERIOR post on the chrissy brown v. disturbia beef. you win.
this goes in the real talk hall of fame
what can i say about this post that hasn't already been said about kosher lasagna?
i do agree with j store though....i feel like rihanna would be able to hold her own.
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