Notes From Across The Pond: Weird Dreams, Flat Asses, & War Coverage

Sleeping in a foreign bed, in a foreign land, does strange things to a man. Jet lag sets in -- sleep is light and dreams are vivid. One minute you’re snowboarding down the West Side Highway with your dead grandfather, and the next you’re waking up in a state of profound bewilderment, thinking, “I don’t even know how to snowboard.”

Since flying to London last week, my head’s been filled with all sorts of dreamed, lucid oddities -- I’ve attended sex orgies hosted by William H. Macy in the penthouse suite of the MGM Grand, filled in for Amy Poehler on the Stuyvesant High School soccer team, and watched my friend open a national clothing chain by crashing a monster truck through one of his L.A.-based stores.

Of course, imagined visions aren’t the only peculiar, yet vaguely familiar sights I’ve seen on my trip. It’s also come to my attention that white British women have some of the flattest asses I’ve ever come across. This isn’t meant to be a misogynist declaration, just an observation -- these women are no less beautiful or valuable to society than women with curvy derrières. Now that I’ve covered my PC bases, let us get back to the matter at hand.

I’ve come to realize that there are two types of English, or more precisely London butts -- frying pan and shovel. The aptly named frying pan butt, which I too possess, has absolutely no curvature and no width (due to a narrow hip structure). It’s as if the butt was beaten with the underside of a frying pan and flattened like a piece of Silly Putty -- even tight pants look baggy on the bum. The shovel butt is a little more fortunate. Smacked with the concave portion of a shovel, the butt has hip width, and even a little arc -- it’s the pick of the litter, as far as English bums go.

Well, that’s enough for criticism of physique, now on to news coverage. Our country has been at war for seven years, and because we see little of the reality of war on TV, it’s easy to put it on the back burner.

This is not the case in Britain, where gruesome and macabre war imagery is available everyday. For the last fews days, the BBC and Sky News have been littered with brutal video footage from the bloody conflict in Gaza -- disfigured children are carried past mounds of dead bodies piled outside Palestinian hospitals. As a result, people here are much more in tune with the tolls of war, and protests in front of the Israeli embassy have become a crowded daily occurrence. So, I ask, are we as a nation apathetic, or are we not provided the visceral news imagery that could make us proactive? One thing’s for sure, TV news in Britain is actually worth watching.

That’s enough rambling for me. I’m on vacation and I need to get back to relaxing. Jerk Store out...