The Week in Classy Things aka The Return of Jerk Store

While eating a bowl of cereal for dessert last night, I was struck by the urge to write. There was nothing overly significant about the moment. I was just watching a vaguely sexual Plavix commercial that featured a daughter explaining the benefits of the anti-blood clotting medicine to her 50-something father. Toward the end of the ad, the dad agrees that Plavix is for him and he and his daughter gradually move in to each other for what looks like a kiss. With sexual tension heavy in the air like a moist rain cloud, they eventually hug, and I think to myself, “Classy.” It was strange. Or maybe I was just stoned. Either way, it reminded me that months ago, Editor-in-Chief V-Tron had asked me to start a serial post about “Classy Things” with an emphasis on sarcasm. So, after an inner dialogue about my self-imposed writer’s exile, I decided it was time to write again.


It’s hard to figure out who I hate more, cab drivers or pedicab drivers? Cabbies can’t drive for shit, they cut you off like soccer moms in Chevy Suburbans, and they think the rules of the road don’t apply to them. Pedicabbies are like annoying mosquitoes – they’re constantly buzzing in your face, asking if you want a ride – and they’re as slow as an old man trying to take a dump without his prerequisite Fiber-Con. Which is why I find the above video of a cabbie and pedicabbie getting into a fight particularly amusing. While both individuals show an Ivy League level of class, the pedicabbie takes the cake for two reasons – he throws a metal trash can at the cab driver and then proceeds to leave the scene of the crime by driving the wrong way down a crowded one-way street in Midtown.


Meet Robert Higgins. All you need to know about Robert is that he’s facing charges for breaking into a Florida resident’s backyard and jumping in her pool. Did I mention he was naked and covered in feces?


Our next entry comes courtesy of my friend Sonny. Sonny and I went to college together in Chicago, where he still lives. Yesterday, he e-mailed me the above picture (please read carefully). The photo was taken by his sister, who’s an 8th grade teacher at a public school in Southside Chicago. She was grading tests from one of her classes when she came across this brilliant answer from a 12-year-old girl. For those of you who can't, or don't want to read the sideways picture, it's the answer to a question that asks what is the relationship between temperature and density. Here is the girl's answer: The relationship between temperature and density is the hotter something gets, the tighter it becomes (example: Sex, after having sex, your hole is sort of open, so when you take a bath it becomes tighter...). I must say, I like the logic here – if heat causes molecules to come together and become denser, then this example of “your hole” shrinking would be perfect. Only problem is that heat and density share an inverse relationship, meaning things become less dense as their temperature increases.


So a couple of weeks ago, I was on the subway with friend of the site Jeremih Balls, when my attention was grabbed by the ad directly across from my seat (seen in the above photo). While I was ruminating on the number of times I’ve been privy to an improper touch on the 1 train, I noticed a CD cover for “Leatherface aka The Asian Jesus” tucked into the side of the harassment ad.
What struck me as strange was not the name, although I burst out in nitrous oxide-like laughter when I read it, but the positioning of the CD cover. There were eight other ads in the car – everything from Iceland Air to Non-traditional Career Training for Women to one of those silly “Train of Thought” quotes – so why did The Asian Jesus choose the only one dealing with sexual harassment. In an effort to come up with an answer I checked Leatherface’s MySpace page, but all I found was terrible rap with even worse beats and even worse track names (e.g. – American Geisha).


Last, but certainly not least, we tackle the plight of Shyne. On Tuesday of this week, many reputable media sources (including YW) published stories saying that rapper Shyne Po had been released from prison. Well, they (and we) were kind of wrong. Shyne was released from the Clinton Correctional Facility on Tuesday, but only to be remanded by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials in New York. You see, Shyne isn’t an American citizen, he was born in Belize, where his estranged father is currently Prime Minister. On Wednesday, an I.C.E. spokesman said that Shyne was being detained for violation of U.S. immigration law – probably something to do with the fact that he was convicted of attempted murder, assault, and reckless endangerment in 2001. As such, it’s becoming more and more likely that Jamal “Shyne” Barrow will be deported back to his “native country,” even though he’s spent two-thirds of his life living in the U.S. I like how the government waited till the day he was released to even mention that this might happen. The government, and immigration officials specifically, are kings of class. Can’t they just deport Puffy instead?