Mean Monkeys

I want to apologize to our readers for not writing about the wildin chimp attack last week. We were off point by not covering such a historical event. In an attempt to make up for such a blunder, let me reflect.

I've always wanted to own a chimpanzee. I thought that chimps and a growth-stunted tiger would make the best pets. Obviously, I've changed my mind. Chimps (and probably baby tigers) are blood thirsty beasts, and should be kept in a cage or beheaded on my father's living room wall.

"He has no face!"

That was the policeman's exact words to the 911 dispatcher when he discovered the mauled woman in Stamford, CT, an upscale community naive to the cruel intentions of monkeys. How fucked up does your face have to be if a cop can't recognize the fact that you have breasts? Supposedly the chimp ate her nose and eyes. That may be an internet rumor but I'm feeling it nonetheless.



Let me be clear. This is a tragedy. However, I'm having trouble deciding who is more of a wilder. The owner or the chimp? There is something incredibly foul about bathing, eating, drinking wine and sleeping with a beast (no disrespect to any of the girls who fux with Beauregard P. Grimes). What do you get when you've watched Dunstin Checks In one too many times? Your homegirl's face eaten off. You heard it from me first.

When I was 11, me and a few of my boys rented a movie from Channel Video called Monkey Shines, an 80's flick about a paraplegic man who owns a beady eyed lemur looking thing. The monkey eventually kills like 10 people and sets the house on fire or something. I forget. Moral of the story: monkeys will body you.