Ciao! Shalom! Mazel Tov!: Greetings from the Heart of an Italian Jew

-Good Evening Friends

Before we get this Torah portion really rocking, please take a good look at the picture below:

What are you thinking right now?  Maybe it's, "Sweet Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, I would love to sink my teeth into something like that.  As long as it's Kosher of course." 

Well, it's not Kosher, idiots.  For God's sake, look at the bacon bits teetering on the top of the salami!!!!

Kosher or not you will probably recognize this photograph as a PizzaBagel. Why am I showing you a picture of a PizzaBagel?  Because I'm introducing myself to the YouWildin family.  This delicious snack defines my manhood and I wanted to set the record straight.  

My real name is Benito Yitzhak Mattithyahu Manicotti.  Some of you may know me better as Benny "The Banger", "Olive Oil Hands" Manicotti, or just your regular Doo-Woppin Dego. Either way, now and forever I will be known to the YouWildin Family, as Signor PizzaBagel.

I've got nothing to "wild" about at the moment but if you know anything about either culture, Italian or Jewish (of course you do, you live in New York), you know that Signor PizzaBagel is about to bring the fire, the passion, the rage, the insight, and the self-loathing dissatisfaction that you would expect from a person of my particular ethnicity.

Buona notte, Shabbat Shalom, and "don't forget to clean your coolie!"

*(Coolie is Italian slang for "anal rim", or "starfish."  The quote listed above comes directly from my Grandmother who was, in fact, crowned the Italian Queen of Wildin' by "His Excellency", Benito Mussolini.  Yes, I was named after a Fascist leader and I do have mixed feelings about it.)