Plaxico Burress Is Fucked

The shit rain is officially pelting Plaxico Burress from every direction. Actually, it’s more like a shit hurricane, and he’s in the eye of the storm.

Taken to court in handcuffs, the wide receiver posted $100,000 bail on weapons possession charges Monday as the frenzy grew around the Giants star who accidentally shot himself at a nightclub.

Burress, who sustained a non-life threatening wound to his right thigh when he fumbled his concealed gun , did not enter a plea on the class C felony charges, though his attorney said Burress planned to plead not guilty.

Yesterday’s arraignment marked the culmination of a series of strange, brainless, and wildly irresponsible actions that could lead to an NFL suspension and, more seriously, jail time for the 6’5” receiver.


Walking without any evident limp, Burress strode under an NYPD sign into the 17th Precinct stationhouse to surrender Monday. As he entered a detective asked him, "Can you play?"

"Maybe," the star wideout replied.

"You better get back, bro," the detective said. "We need you for the playoffs."
Burress caught a little nap and sipped some Gatorade while his fingerprints were processed. He was rear-cuffed, like any other prisoner, when he was loaded into an unmarked car, but he was pampered downtown right to the moment the judge imposed $100,000 bail.

At Manhattan Criminal Court, he was accorded his own cell instead of being locked in a pen like the other prisoners awaiting arraignment.

His wife was allowed to sit in the front row as the elderly parents of a less celebrated prisoner were consigned to the rear.

He proceeded from the stationhouse to arraignment to bail in just over two hours, while prisoners arrested long before him continued to wait hour after hour.

While Burress isn’t set to appear in court again till March 31, he better get all this spoiled brat pampering out of his system. In all likelihood, the guy is fucked. And I don’t mean mildly fucked, I mean he’s about to be ravaged by a three-pronged iron dildo (and no, that’s not a prison joke).

The first prong belongs to the NFL and commissioner Roger Goodell, who’s made it clear that players will pay with their livelihood for living on the wrong side of the law. Michael Vick, Adam “Pacman” Jones, Tank Johnson, and Chris Henry can all attest to that. I’ll be shocked if Goodell doesn’t suspend Plax for the rest of the year. I know what you’re thinking, “Nothing’s been proven in a court of law,” but you forget that the commish didn’t wait for a court verdict before suspending Jones, he just levied his own.

The second prong belongs to the Giants, who have some serious thinking to do. The Superbowl champs are in the middle of playoff run and it’s hard to see what advantage will be gained from keeping Burress on the team. Before the season started, the receiver inked a five-year, $35 million contract extension, which he can all but kiss goodbye. It’s a remarkably smart deal constructed by general manager Jerry Reese and assistant Kevin Abrams, as the bulk of the money owed is not guaranteed, and the Giants could get rid of Burress without suffering debilitating salary-cap ramifications. According to various reports, the Giants could cut or trade him after the season and get $23 million taken off their books. Burress has a $1 million installment of his signing bonus due to be paid on Dec. 10, meaning the Giants have a decision to make before then. For now, the wideout is still with the team, and he reported to their training facility today to have his injuries examined by team doctors. The Giants have fined Burress on more than 35 occasions in his career in New York, with penalties exceeding $300,000 for mere tardiness alone. Who knows what they'll do now?

And finally, the third prong belongs to the NYPD and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is demanding a minimum three-year sentence for Burress. At a press conference yesterday, Bloomberg looked ready to eat Burress’ balls out of a sorbet bowl as he railed against the former Michigan St. standout, the Giants, the Latin Quarter Club, and the Cornell Medical Center, all of whom are required by law to report shooting incidents to the police, but in this case didn’t (check out the video below). New York has the toughest gun laws in the country, and a felony conviction carries a mandatory minimum sentence of 3 ½ years. Add to that the fact that Burress (and potentially Antonio Pierce) tried to cover-up the incident, and you have the makings of a very sticky trial.

Records show the Giants' star receiver does not have a permit to carry a weapon in the city, meaning that he had no legal right to do so in the LQ Club in Manhattan, where he allegedly shot himself in the leg. Burress did have a concealed-weapon permit issued to him in Florida, where he has a home, but records show it expired in May. And even if it was still valid, New York does not recognize out-of-state permits.

It appears that Plaxico’s idiocy has finally caught up with him, and this time his punishment will be more than a lost paycheck. There’s no reason to feel sorry for him. He brought this on himself. It’s just a shame that such a talented athlete couldn’t get his act together. Maybe it has something to do with a decade and a half’s worth of pampering.

TIMELINE
While the clarity of the events that transpired is still a bit hazy, here’s what we know:

-Burress and Giants linbacker Antonio Pierce arrived at the Manhattan nightclub Latin Quarter (48th St. and Lexington Ave.) around 1 AM, where they may have been meeting teammates Ahmad Bradshaw and Derrick Ward, although Ward has vehemently denied being at the club.

- Burress, who nabbed the game-winning catch in the Giants' monumental win over the Patriots in February, admitted to club security that he was packing heat, and they told him that he’d have to surrender the bullets from the gun.

- This is where the details begin to get muddled. After moving to a secluded area with a guard, one source said Burress allegedly took the gun out and started to unload the bullets while drinking a glass of wine. But the sure-handed wideout began to bobble the firearm, accidentally firing a shot that ripped through his leg but missed the bone. Another source claims that the gun fell down Burress’ pant leg at which point he tried to retrieve and accidentally fired at himself.

- Guards at the club then tried to call an ambulance but were told not to by Burress. Sources said Pierce drove Burress to Cornell Medical Center at 2 a.m. and then left immediately. It's not clear where Burress was in the time between the shooting and his arrival at the hospital.

-The grid great was patched up at the hospital and released early Saturday morning, at which point he returned to his New Jersey home. Neither the club, nor the hospital reported the incident to police, which they are required to do by law – as a result of New York’s strict gun laws, any shooting incident must be reported to the NYPD, failure to do so is a criminal offense.

- Police officials first hear of the incident from television reports and then go to Burress’ home on Saturday in an effort to speak with him. They are rebuffed by his wife.

- On Sunday, the NYPD begins to build a case against the wideout.

- Burress turns himself in Monday and is charged with two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a weapon, which could result in a prison sentence of 3 1/2 years to 15 years if he is convicted. He was not required to enter a plea Monday and is due back in court on March 31. Burress did not say anything in court. A grand jury will hear evidence and make a decision on whether Burress will be indicted.

- Police have now focused their investigation on Antonio Pierce. They want to know what Pierce did in the moments after the shooting and whether he helped cover it up. The NYPD has also expressed frustration with the NFL and Giants officials, saying they were promised that Pierce would appear at a police precinct Monday where Burress appeared before heading to court. But he didn't show.