Vodkatron's Wildin' Country of the Week: Nippon-Koku (Japan)

Of the Japanese, Paul Mooney once said "give em a rice bowl and they'll have a restaurant in ten minutes." The Japanese are an industrious people. They get money. If I had to guess what society would be the first to live with robots, I would choose Japan, with confidence. Tokyo looks like Futurama. But there is another side to the Japanese. They are Samurai's, they commit Seppuku (its honour suicide, not to be confused with everyone's favourite number game, Sudoko) and they dress like post-apocalyptic boxcar children. Have you seen Babel? The deaf girl in that gets the fuck down. Japanese people are wilders.
I wrote a whole lot about Japanese history, but then I found this informative video which basically covers it up to WWII.

That video concludes in 1936. In 1937, after Godzilla defeated the flying dragon with horns and the dinosaur with spikes on its back, it invaded mainland China. The Chinese blamed Japan for Godzilla's rogue action, and the war in Asia was on.
Timeout from the ridiculousness for a second. I don't want to delve, or should I say Kamikaze, into how the Japanese acted in the WWII era. It was deplorable, and more or less the antithesis of funny. I also don't think that their pre-VA Day war crimes record is a reflection on the modern-day Japanese person. Two other not so funny things were the non-six-letter N-bombs we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
But hey, don't worry brosif, the Japanese are hilarious. I think they think that they are hilarious. Have you ever noticed how much they laugh? Like all the time.
A flashback in the Japanese cult-classic Battle Royale, shows a middle school basketball game. The teams are fucking horrible. They dribble like my four year old nephew. But anytime they score, everyone goes crazy. The fans and players alike rush the court, jumping up and down, laughing like they are on nitrus, hugging and generally wildin' as if its Chinese New Year.
Battle Royale, by the way, is about a class that gets taken to an island by the government and ordered to kill each other. The last child standing wins. So... who wants to talk about train groping?
In the 1990's, under the robo-streets of Tokyo, train groping was getting out of hand. Advertising campaigns advised women who felt they were being groped to thrust their assailants hands in the air and yell "CHIKAN" (groper in Japanese). According to my friend Marty (who went to Japan), business men read anime-porn comics on the train.
Japanese porn is especially wildin'. One of the five most disgusting things I have ever seen is in a Japanese porn...eels....yuck.

So, I deaded the useful information in this post like it owed me money and I was Yakuza. But, I mean come on, who wants history when they can watch this commercial?


Or these fat kids in daipers?


Or these dancing robots (maybe midgets in robot suits)?


VT'S FAVOURITE SONG ABOUT NIPPON-KOKU:
All funny stuff aside, I'm down with Japan. Cuz, the truth is, if its good enough for Lupe, its good enough for me.